Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
