I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Duck Duck Cougar?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
