if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
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