I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
