You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Randomize
