why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
