After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
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