My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
