Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
