My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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