SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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