this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
