he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
