hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
