I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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