The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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