Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
