I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
