I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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