If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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