I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
