My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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