I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
