I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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