I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
vagina is talking i cant
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
