..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
