She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
