I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
