Your mouth is God's brothel.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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