put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Randomize
