Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
