Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
