I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
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