So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
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