K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
