if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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