I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
