I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
