I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
