We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
