A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
