I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize
