cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
