It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
