I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
