well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
