so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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