it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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