Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
