i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
