Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
